Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?