Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
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Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
real
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!