a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
When I laugh on my period
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*