Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.

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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.


“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.


“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.


Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.


Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.


I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.


Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?


*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”


them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph


[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.