Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
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” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.