Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

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*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.


Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does


We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.


My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal


My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.


Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what


me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin


Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people


Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial