@julcasagrande

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

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@Sickayduh

In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say “I’m Shia LaBeouf”

@TheAlexNevil

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

@aksorojas

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

@jammiiepants

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

@RachaelvsWorld

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

@edfoxcomedy

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

@aneesa_p

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

@DurtMcHurtt

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.