“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.