Should have guessed that Brad and Angelina weren’t in it for the long haul when neither of them let themselves go.
[day 7 of quarantine]
∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
friends who just got married:
We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?