[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
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“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.