Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
satan: not today, microsoft teams
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.