Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.