FRED: right
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Labreador
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.