day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
bout dat hot dog summer
one last job
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler