*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.