[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled