Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
A game married people play.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself