Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.


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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /


CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.


No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.


No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.


There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.


Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.


A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.


Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.