Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
🙂🙃🥹
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job