@copymama

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

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@EJGomez

if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.

thanks & God bless

@aPunch2theJunk

I work with a guy named Rick.

I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”

@brianbowman73

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

@itsallbollocks

couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level

@nPhelendriqal

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

@Eightinchgoat

Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.

@aotakeo

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

@EJT___

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.