*goes down on escalator
Escalator: I have a boyfriend
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.
thanks & God bless
I work with a guy named Rick.
I’m pretty sure he spells his name with a silent “P.”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.