Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
You Might Also Like
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
それは草
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*