Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
shit just got real
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
If looks could kill
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: