Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.