Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”