@CelebrityChez

Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

@MeetMrAhmeed

Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking

@leez_rat

Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO

@TheToddWilliams

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

@fro_vo

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

@BriarSly

Question: If a King runs a Kingdom…& an Emperor runs an Empire…

Who runs a country?

@realHamOnWry

I’m no different than the average working guy. I have two arms, two legs and 4.2 billion dollars. ~ Donald Trump

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes