[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.
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Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking
Ur hot plz marry me.
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
God *twisting an owl*: I can’t get this damn jar open.
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Question: If a King runs a Kingdom…& an Emperor runs an Empire…
Who runs a country?
I’m no different than the average working guy. I have two arms, two legs and 4.2 billion dollars. ~ Donald Trump
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes