Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money