Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
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I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.