@HomeWithPeanut
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
@Office_Dolt
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
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@HomeWithPeanut
@msdanifernandez
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
@mrjohntofu
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
@RiotGrlErin
[speed dating]
them: describe yourself in 6 wor—
me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people
@TheRealPalMal
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
@ewfeez
The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole
@SaraESpivey
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
@TechnicallyRon
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
@QwertyJones3
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
@Jennarater
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.