Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Tuesday