@Office_Dolt

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

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@msdanifernandez

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

@RiotGrlErin

[speed dating]

them: describe yourself in 6 wor—

me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people

@TheRealPalMal

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

@ewfeez

The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@TechnicallyRon

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

@QwertyJones3

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

@Jennarater

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.