Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

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Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex


[speed dating]

them: describe yourself in 6 wor—

me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people


[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.


Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!


The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole


Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.


Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’


[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*


Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.