Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.