I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
New menu item
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.