Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

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I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.


Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?


*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius


TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*


I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…


When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you


Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”