Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.


I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible


Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.


if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat



Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.


Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.


WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*


spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try


You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it


So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.