@ADHDeanASL

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

You Might Also Like

@Love_bug1016

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

@DaddyJew

I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible

@UnFitz

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

@jeffreyvanclea1

if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat

@Book_Krazy

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

@LostInMyWorld97

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

@CornOnTheGoblin

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

@d2BMcG

You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it

@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.