I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
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Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Me: And him?
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
You’d better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovakia.
Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”