Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
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After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.