Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.