A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
You Might Also Like
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.