@MarfSalvador

[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]

him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs

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@sad_tree

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

@Michael1979

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

@BeefedUpStud

Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.

@sophielou

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

@dethbycofee

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

@lovemyboots111

Are you guys sure common sense can’t be beaten into people ? Because I’d like to give it try!