Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
You Might Also Like
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired