[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
motivation
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream