@awordforaword

Dead
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@TheNYAMProject

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

@nedostup

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

@TheBoydP

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

@Chhapiness

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

@mattgallo123

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

@samalmightysam

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”