Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
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on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.