What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep