My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter
Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
dominos: thank you for calling dominos, pick up or delivery
stoner: wait, so like, i could’ve sworn you made pizza
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Ancient Egyptian toilet paper
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
GOALS FOR MORNING:
Hang w/ kids
Respond to emails
About to nap