@iLikeCatShirts

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

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@Mr_Kapowski

My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall

@TheThomason

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

@TheBoydP

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@lincnotfound

dominos: thank you for calling dominos, pick up or delivery

stoner: wait, so like, i could’ve sworn you made pizza

@LlamaInaTux

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

@mirandaasantos

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

@JimGaffigan

GOALS FOR MORNING:
Run
Clean up
Hang w/ kids
Workout
Write
Get organized
Respond to emails
Return calls

SO FAR:
Wrote this
About to nap