Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.