[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏