Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
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My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD