[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren鈥檛 limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I鈥檓 a pretty lady.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Me: I鈥檓 on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 馃グ馃グ馃グ
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.馃檭
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 馃檨
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it鈥檚 just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that鈥檚 a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no