*walks up to IKEA return counter
*rips receipt into tiny pieces
*tells the clerk to put it together himself
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
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Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
This will teach them to underestimate me
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*