Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
How animals would run if they were human
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff