@JohnLyonTweets

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

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@Alexclaimer

*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself

@junejuly12

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@InternetHippo

Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big

@Izianikapani

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

@Coolisiana

*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*