Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Finally!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.