Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO