@AnOrangeSNES

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

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@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

@garrydavenport

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

@TheCatWhisprer

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

@Shade510

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

@Home_Halfway

Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”

@rn_murse

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

@erichwithach

The logo for this sock company is a person being eaten by an alligator in a mobile cage and I wish I had been in the meeting where they came up with this.