Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
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Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m tired tomorrow.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying