@EricaWhoToYou

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

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@dave_cactus

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

@T_Bonezzz

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@joeldanger

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?

@KevinFarzad

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

@ddrwg

All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.

@yayraptor

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]

@generaldietz

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.