Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
just having fun
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Hamburger Hinderer.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?