Dear Adobe,

In all the times I’ve been to the circus I’ve never seen an Acrobat Reading.

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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”


If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.


My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.



HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.


“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones



1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.