@LionJenkins

Dear Adobe,

In all the times I’ve been to the circus I’ve never seen an Acrobat Reading.

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@SCbchbum

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

@KKAlThani

If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.

@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

@kumailn

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.