Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth