*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
lmfao come on
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI