Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You Might Also Like
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Wake me when AI does housework
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Möther may I have a snäck
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.