Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
what it’s like dating me:
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways