When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Finally, a door that understands me
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.